My Cane Journey

Recently, I bought a new long cane. And its been transforming my life. And I love it. And I wish I’d done it sooner.

I struggle with night blindness. Its something that has got worse over the last couple of years. Essentially, the world vanishes in front of me at night, becoming a blurry misted mess. Its part of whatever this condition is, something in my macular not processing details in the dark. It feels like when there’s faulty signals on a train. Because I know the world is there. I saw it in the daytime. I walked through streets and past trees, dodged people and managed pavements. But in the night time, my eyes and brain don’t compute, and don’t tell me there’s a pavement edge till its too late.

For a while, I used a symbol cane, with a torch attachment, and it was great. I was a little nervous about doing it, about declaring to the world that I can’t see so well anymore, but I talked to colleagues and was assured how wonderful canes can be. And they were. I adventured far and near, went to wind band, navigated new stations and more.

But recently, its all got worse. I’ve fallen over before, in the dark. But the most recent time was the worst, and I injured myself really badly. The fall was good in a way, a point to make me think that perhaps I can’t carry on like this, that I need something stronger. I had already been thinking about one, so it was on my mind anyway. Once again, I was nervous, for this was the real deal. This was admitting I struggle more than I realise, both to myself and to the world. I did a ton of research, and asked colleagues for advice, and found the right one for me. And I love it.

Its a long cane, but not too long because I’m short! It has the classic rollerball at the end, and I sort of swish it from side to side and feel my way. It also lights up, with a fancy battery, to make the last section the brightest beacon in existence. That’s something I’ve had loads of positive comments on, train staff in particular thinking its “wicked” and “cool” and also like a lightsaber. And these comments have really fuelled my confidence. 

Because you see, I’ve heard horror stories. People who have used long canes when out and about, and received hate and horrid comments, of negativity and discrimination. I’m glad it hasn’t been the case for me. Whenever I have used mine, a ocean of kindness greets me, people asking if I need help or moving to the side on pavements, directing me to where I need to be, helping me on trains, parting crowds, or giving up seats on busy trains. Those are all new things, small spots of kindness that do really help, that make a world of difference.

And it has made me more confident. Because I don’t need eyes, to see where I’m going anymore. Instead, I can feel the pavement edges, steps, bumpy streets, narrow passages and more, with my new cane. I’ve become so much less stressed about walking at night, and has made events such as wind band rehearsals more enjoyable, as I’m not as afraid of walking home. And it has brought a new excitement for me, about travelling. Because I know I can travel safely anywhere, with my cane, and dream of a hundred destinations I could go, knowing that I will be treated right when I walk by with my cane. And that is a whole new kind of confidence.

I’m excited to see where this new long cane takes me. I’m not sure if its the end of my cane journey. But its wonderful, for now. And sometimes the best thing you can do is focus on the present, and worry about the future when it comes along.