For the past four years, I have struggled with the festive season.
I first got diagnosed with the visual impairment in 2017, just before Christmas. It was a horrible time, one of the worst periods of depression I’ve ever experienced, made worse by the cheerful season. The years after were a little better, but still the same. I still didn’t enjoy it, and the old blue feeling followed each year.
Recently, I was on a Headspace meditation which changed my thinking. In it, the teacher said we make trauma worse by holding onto the narrative of what happened and how we felt.
I realised I have been doing exactly that, with Christmas and Moorfields. In the next session, he talked about letting the narrative go, so you can heal. And I came out of the session wanting to do the same. So this year, I’m going to try. I know it won’t be easy. But I’ve got a few things to help, a small plan.
I’m going to avoid church services, maybe find some Norse celebrations to follow instead. I’ve got a music concert, and a trip to the theatre that I’m looking forward to in December. I’ve signed up for some Advent writing prompts, where you write a flash a day for each day of December. I’ve got a ride on a steam train booked, which I’m excited for. I’m going to take care of myself, and not do too much.
I know something of that old shadow might remain. I know I will still dread Christmas a little. But perhaps I can make this year a bit better.
