I don’t like fireworks. I never have. And I never will.
I know I’m supposed to. But I just can’t. I know that when I admit this, people moan. Say I’m being a spoilsport, that I should just get over it, or that it’s not a big deal.
But they are a big deal for me. They scare me. Every year, I have to pretend they aren’t, that they don’t bother me. But I hate them. They’re dangerous. They scare both me and the dog. There’s no need for them. We have other ways of celebrating that don’t involve explosives.
They are one of the main anxiety triggers for me. The noises are too loud, too intense. They frighten me, make my heart race. They constrict my chest, make me struggle to breathe. They make me shake so bad I can’t move.
And there’s no escape. They’re all around, in every direction. Even headphones only slightly block them out. Unless I blast music, and give myself a headache.
I can’t sit still, or relax, not knowing when they will start or when they will stop. I end up shaking and fidgeting so much that I exhaust myself, and end up drained. They ruin my appetite, turning my stomach to knots. I end up either not eating, or exhausting myself to an appetite afterwards.
I can deal with November. At least I know its coming. New Year’s is fine, as I’m usually at a party and drowning it out. But its the sneaky ones I don’t like. When it’s mid June and I’m walking home from the station and they set some off. Those unexpected ones scare me most.
It used to be just the one weekend. But not anymore. One year it was a whole month of it. A whole month, frightened to leave the house, stewing in anxiety, waiting for it to be over.
This time, I used a new approach, and it was much better. I had to go to a wind band rehearsal, as Bonfire Night fell on a Sunday. I’d just bought some new Bluetooth headphones, so I listened to some music while I was walking along. Music always helps my mental health, in so many ways. So this time, I pretended that the bangs and crashes were an orchestra in the sky, practicing some kind of cloud symphony for an upcoming concert, imagining each sound as a different instrument. And it really helped, made it seem less scary and more manageable. I was still anxious, but it was much better. I still hate fireworks, and wish they didn’t exist. But with new techniques, I think I can bear them as best as I can.
