I have always been a quieter soul. And that’s okay. Its just one of the many things that make up me. I’ve been called too quiet my entire life. And I hate that phrase. Because it sounds like there’s something wrong with me. And I used to think the same. But its not, and I’m not. I’m perfectly okay, as I am.
Its not that I don’t talk, or can’t. If you get me on the right topic, like music or writing or science fiction, you’ll wonder if I ever stop, for I can talk for hours about Tolkien or the history of instruments. If you get me in the right setting, not too loud, not too hot, nice and comfortable, you’ll find my words flow faster than time. Smaller groups work best, for me and my words, and small talk about the weather drains me.
But I am a quieter person. And I know that. Sometimes, I just like to listen. Sometimes, I just want to learn. Sometimes, I struggle finding my words. Sometimes, I just don’t have anything to say. Sometimes, everyone else has asked those questions. Sometimes, the old stammer comes back to haunt me, and I worry about embarrassing myself. Sometimes, I just need quiet, to refuel and recharge. Sometimes I’m just taking notes, and need all cylinders and spoons firing to concentrate on what everyone’s saying.
People have always said I’m too quiet, like its a bad thing. I suppose because the world is talkative. The world is made for busy, chatty, noisy people, and silence makes people uncomfortable. If I had a pound coin for every time someone has called me quiet, or forced me to speak when I wasn’t ready, or struggling with my stammer, I could repave TfL with all the tactile pavement it needs.
Recently been learning that its okay, to be quiet, to be me. Not everyone has to be talkative. There are enough chatty people in the world to make up for my quiet days. I’ve been following some excellent blogs, who talk about the power of being quiet, and its been an eye opener. Its made me realise I’m not alone, that there are many people like me, and all my quiet days and odd methods or small routines are normal. I also read an Audible called the Secret Lives of Introverts which completely rewired my thinking, enhancing this approach even further, and even finding some tips with things I struggle with, like the eternal question of “how are you?”.
Its a long process, and a work in progress. But now, I am less likely to beat myself up, if I have a quiet day. I have tried to be kinder to myself, when I struggle with words or don’t have anything to say and know I can ask my questions in an email instead.
Now, I know its okay to be a quieter person, and to be me. I don’t want to change myself anymore. I don’t want to force myself to be different, to talk in every situation, feel pressure around the fact that I should be contributing but I’m not. I don’t want to take up those communication courses, or assertiveness courses as much. I just want to be me. And perhaps I am a quieter person. But that’s okay.
