Spoons

With insomnia, anxiety and depression, I only have so much energy each day. Its called spoon theory, measured in spoons of energy. The idea is that you have a set amount of spoons of energy each day, and can then monitor or change this, and gives you more understanding.

Some days, I have lots of spoons. On those days, I am unstoppable, can do anything, get loads done. Some days I don’t have as many. Insomnia steals a lot of spoons. Some days, I can add more, with coffee and music. And some days, I don’t have any. On those days, I look within words, to find spoons.

There’s a list of things that drain me, that make me lose spoons. Shopping is one of them. Shopping is full of lots of walking, and heading into new environments full of too many sounds and smells, and always struggling to see items or sizes or even price labels. Another one is arcades. Arcades are a nightmare for me, with too many sounds that cause sensory overload, with dark spaces meaning I will walk into things without fail. Holidays are another one, or busy weekends. I use up a lot of energy and spoons doing what I love, trying new things, discovering places, and being busy, that I run out of spoons and always have to book a quiet day inbetween them and work, to recover.

There’s a list of things that add spoons. Meditation is one of them. It really helps recharge me when I’m low on battery, or to motivate me, or spark that fire within me. Food is another one, fuelling the tank when I’m out of spoons. Another one is coffee. There’s the fact that it is full of energy, and I also love the smell and taste of it, really wakes me up and adds extra charge to my mind, always helping me think of new ideas and story sections. Nature sometimes helps, if its beside a river or water feature, the sound of the water refreshing me and washing my worries away, a moment of peace in busy days, refuelling me when I’ve run out of spoons. Watching Midsomer Murders is another one, although it may seem strange. But I find it comforting, and familiar, and the woodwind soundtrack calms me down, and that bass clarinet always makes me smile.

It seems silly, when I think of it. But my mind works overtime every day, overthinking and overanalysing every action, and never stopping for five minutes. So its no wonder that it gets tired sometimes, and needs time to rest.