I struggle with sensory overload a lot. I guess I’ve always been a quiet person. I know that’s okay. We don’t all have to be loud and chatty. But it means I find loud noises challenging, overwhelming, exhausting.
It includes items like fireworks, sirens, airports, funfairs, and smaller items like the noises self-service checkouts make, drilling, decorating, radios, doors slamming, and shoes on wooden floors, the phone ringing. It can be places such as shopping centres, which drain me with lots of noise, and beauty shops with extra smells are a nightmare. Or sometimes it can even be when places are noisier than usual, including the office, and applause too in these situations.
On Thursday, I went to the office, for a conference. I was in a good place. i had had breakfast, and a coffee. I’d done my headspace session and listened to some music. It was a little busy, and a little noisy, but there’s a quieter space in the office, a balcony that looks over a nearby park, and I was sitting there for a bit before we began. I was trialling some new earbuds that help muffle the world slightly, and was chatting to my boss.
And then the fire alarm sounded. Loud, intense, too close, all of a sudden. It was an assault, on all my senses, too much, intensified by the siren wailing in my mind that screeched danger was everywhere. Inside, the sound was amplified, no escape, no way out, no break from the unrelenting noise. I twitched and shook, and struggled with it, really frightened of the loud noise, and stumbled down the stairs on trembling legs. I fidgeted and squirmed, and wanted to get out of there, even when we were outside. The large crowd of everyone outside didn’t help, making it feel too small, as the noise continued, and i couldnt breathe. I had my fidget bracelets, and fiddled with them as best i could, taking in the scent of my grapefruit shower gel I had coated them with before i left home. I tried to keep it together, but I was cracking and breaking and trying not to cry, and was five minutes from a panic attack, my stomach in knots, my body shaking, my breaths short.
But my boss was kind about it, reassuring me it was safe, and even walked me away through a park to get away and we chatted about cinnamon buns to take my mind off it.
We returned to the office, and it started up again in the lift. I almost broke down, not able to escape this coffin, the sounds amplified. I worried the HR manager and my line manager, with the whimpering noises i made, almost curling into a ball as i rocked back and forth. I was terrified it would sound again and collapsed in my quiet spot, spent and exhausted, while people fussed over me. And for the next half hour, I tried to recover. Someone bought me tea, and a cake. I tried not to cry, as people took care of me, determined to stay professional. I fiddled with my soft green dinosaur, trying to find comfort, trying to reassure my senses, rubbing him against my stomach and hands.
I tried to concentrate in the meeting, but was still struggling, unable to sit still, rocking, shaking, worrying our deputy CEO. In the end I had to get up, go back to my quiet space, and do some meditation until i felt better. I kept the ambient sounds of the sea into the meeting, with one earphone, and slowly got back to normal.
And I got on with my day. We had a good conference, and a fun treasure hunt round London. But it really shook me. I worried everyone. I brought my demon to work, which I try not too. Sure, I’ve struggled in meetings before. But not like that. And now I have to have catch ups and meetings and discussions about. When I usually manage okay, don’t need much fuss and its not even all the time. And now I will worry that noise will sound again, every time I visit the office. It means more work with my mind, more conversations, more battles that I’m too tired to fight. I wish it hadn’t happened. I wish someone had told me the fire alarm would go off. Sure, it wouldn’t have solved it, but would have made it easier.
And I spent all weekend, worrying about this meeting about it. Worrying what to say, how to explain, how the others will react. Even though I know its fine, and they’re all wonderful and supportive. But i guess i still worried.
And I know its silly. Something my mind struggles with, that everyone else can manage fine. But unless someone comes in and rewires my brain, I will always struggle with loud noises.
