The Wellcome Collection Day

Yesterday, I had one of my worst days.

So I struggle with anxiety, and sensory overload. I’m not very good at new environments, situations, places, or office spaces full of noisy people.

Yesterday, I had to go to a big staff event, in London. I knew it would be loud and noisy, but I wanted to go, and tried to see it as an Adventure.

It wasn’t in our office, and I just about managed a new station. But I don’t see very well, which is where my next challenge came. Google maps said it was five minutes away, and I thought i could do it. Reader, I was wrong. I got lost, frazzled, and overwhelmed by a loud fire station and lorry reversing, (which I wouldn’t have encountered if I’d walked the right way) and had two panic attacks. After that, I gave up, and got an Uber as I was running late and had been wandering London for half an hour.

I had a lovely member of staff ask if I needed help at the venue entrance, and guide me to the lift and press the button for me (it was very small).

I got to the room and it was full of everyone, all talking at once. It was too loud, too busy, and too bright. It was echoey, making things worse, and I couldn’t find a quiet spot to sit, or some coffee which was what I wanted. I managed a few minutes. But it built, and I twitched and fidgeted, and wanted to leave. it was a struggle, and eventually my mind caved. My boss saw me struggling, found me a seat and then guided me to a quiet room outside where I cried, just overwhelmed and overstimulated. I stuttered and sobbed, and struggled as the quiet spot wasn’t very comfortable, and I couldn’t breathe. My boss and other members of staff were really kind about it, which always helps.

I considered going home. The deputy ceo, said I could, that i wouldn’t be letting anyone down. But I felt bad, and more like a failure, and everyone would ask me why I left. I wanted to give it a chance, after all that time and energy spent getting there. And it was an important meeting, to discuss the issues blind and partially sighted people face, and how to improve them.

I did some meditation, and managed okay. I felt better, so I went back inside and gave it a shot. It was a lot better when we got into smaller groups to discuss things. It was a lot better when the speaker was talking, as everyone was quieter, but gaps in between caused noise and I was constantly on alert. I had my earbuds, which muffle noise, but it was a struggle. And I ran out of energy spoons, at four, nothing left to give.

My boss said I did really well. But I felt like I failed. I didn’t see anyone else having panic attacks over noise. It felt frustrating, for my mind to struggle over something everyone else found easy. I don’t know, just can’t let this sit in my system, and writing things out helps.

I published this on a Facebook page, and they all said I did really well.

But my mind kept replaying it. How I could have done better. How I made a fool of myself. How people wouldn’t talk to me again after this. How I was a failure. It kept me up all night. I could have got a guide from the station. I could have admitted I needed help. I could have stayed at home. I could have left. I could have just said that loud spaces aren’t for me.

I put all of this in an email, and everyone was kind about it. I struggled with introvert hangover, today, barely any energy for the day, like walking through sludge, and admitted thie too, even rescheduling a meeting. And everyone was fine about it.

I guess I just thought I was being unreasonable. That my needs were too much. That I was too much. Thats the thing about being a highly sensitive person. You spend your childhood being told you’re too much. And when people say you’re not, that you don’t need to apologise (which was jist of the email reply from my boss and line manager) sometimes it can be hard to believe.

And perhaps it scared me a little. I haven’t had a panic attack like that in years. Not the whole body shaking, stutters, and not being able to breathe, or those heaving sobs I did on the steps outside that room. The fire alarm on the staff conference came close, but not quite. I wasn’t in control of what I did or said, and it scared me, and I think I even swore. And that scared me.

I don’t know. I just get overwhelmed with larger meetings.